I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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