she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
