I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
