The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
