my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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