i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
