Don't make out with my wife yet
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
