i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
