Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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