Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
