Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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