I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
