I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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