I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
