my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
4 words: hood of his car
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
