my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
