I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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