and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
