You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
