i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
