but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize