you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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