I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
