one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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