i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Two words: blizzard sex
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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