hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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