My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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