i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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