One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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