I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
