Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
