what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm passing your future prison.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
