the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
