Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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