if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
