FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
