does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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