I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
