Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
