"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
