My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
