I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
