i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
