I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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