Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
