I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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