On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
