i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
