time to smoke my breakfast
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize