Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
