I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
