I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
