dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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