i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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