Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
