wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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