I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
