Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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