Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
