I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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