My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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