are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
