you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize