my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
