1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you will always have a special place in my vag
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
