i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
