Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize