Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
