I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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