3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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